twelve

It is know by most that know me that sleep does not come easily. The dwindling time between awake and asleep might as well be my own personal hell. The time spent there is full of falsities and realities all to harshly apparent. Many times I hear my name being called from the other room to come watch a show. Other times I hear footsteps walking into my room.

In other nights my hell consist of the truth. Laying in bed, my eyes glued to television, it is completely possible that I can watch an entire half hour show without ever hearing a sound. The mind wanders so far into the future…where my mom will never be.

Dreams scare me. The bad ones are bad. The good ones are good...until their over, than their just a reminder of what is gone.

Two nights ago I had a dream that I sat on her bed, along side her able to talk to her just like I always had. It was present time, and she had been gone all this time but for some reason that hadn’t been real. But, she was still sick and her time was coming. And I told her that when I thought she’d been gone I had talked to her everyday but I had wished I had one more time to have her speak back…she then said so simply “Well, what would you say?” It is then I woke up.

I had previously not thought that I had anything left to say, after she came to me in that dream, I suddenly feel I have everything left to say… And, that is why I am scared of dreams. They surface feelings of this cruel reality I had not yet discovered.

So it is known by most that know me that sleep does not come easily, what they do not know is that when your dreaming with a broken heart…the waking up is the hardest part.

The waking up is the hardest part, you roll out of bed and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe.. and for a moment you can hardly breathe. Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? NO SHE’S NOT…Cause she’s gone gone gone gone gone. She takes you in..and all at once you have to say goodbye. Wondering, could you stay my love? Will you wake up by my side. No she can’t. Cause she's gone

THANK YOU to my slumber party savior Derek Frank Parella Crenshaw
And to Gina, Brittany, Mook, Frankie, Shannon and Nae…who slept with me when sleeping alone wasn’t an option.

thirteen

I miss my mom. Daily. Every minute…and that is how often I think about her..and missing her. I am constantly reminded she is gone. The outside world is new to me. People are different, relationships are different…work is different. I have become scared of human beings. With their sad eyes, extra long hugs and slight head tilts the moment they see me… I know there is no escaping the fact that they know…I am in ruins.

It’s a sobering realization. I am vulnerable and apparently see through. Most admit they have no idea how I feel or how I could deal, some idiots want to talk for hours and be the one I cry too. I have learned that everyone has good intentions in mind. Many times I have to repeat that to myself in my head while one rambles on.

What so many don’t EVER seem to understand is that when they bring up my mother I am already at that moment thinking of her and may times one “I’m sorry” can feel lie it’s happened all over again.


On the darkest days it is When I’m at the end of the road it is Greenday that explains it best.

The fight is daily. The battle to hold in tears, to face the world, to get out of bed. Most day the battle is won leaving the war still to be fought. But some days I just have to give into the fight.

When a group full of people is suddenly suffocating, but loneliness is worse.
When all I want is to be home but the house cuts like a knife.
When escaping to another state seems the only escape but being away brings a whole new set of emotions, thoughts and fears
When your bed seems to offer solace but hiding under the covers just isn’t enough
When you're at the end of the road and you lost all sense of control
and your thoughts have taken their toll. When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass and the hangover doesn't pass
….that is when its time to throw your arms into the sky and give up your fight

When it’s time to live and let die – and you can’t get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You’re in ruins

fourteen

My weakest moments come when I think of the rest of my life. Days pass, facts set in, pain is less raw but the yearning becomes greater. To think that I will miss her this much forever is depressing, terrifying but yet fulfilling.

This song is this low on the countdown for no other reason than it is brutally difficult to listen too. The words are literal and spot on. It offers feeling of the present and plans for the future...both of which are hard to comprehend.

As I sit and think of days gone by, I mostly dwell in disbelief. It may have been over a month ago but if I were to awake tomorrow morning and be told it happened yesterday I’d agree.

The first verse of this song hurts the most

Suddenly, it happened so fast,
I couldn’t believe the news that I received
My heart stopped as I hit the floor
I fell to my knees cryin’, "Lord, help me"

No matter what times brings
Or the changes we go through
In life there’s some things
We just can’t prepare for

The truth is I never thought it would happen. As my mother sat me down to tell me there was a mass on her lung I sat in disbelief but instantly optimistic.
There’s a mass…It’ll be cyst
It’s a tumor… It’ll be benign
It’s malignant – cancer. It’ll be just one a low stage,
it’s stage four… We’ll have months, we’ll fight….

I recall a table surrounded by family members but I only saw Chad. As I heard the words from a doctor explaining how a life was ending, I could only see him. I cried but didn’t believe. I saw him cry, but I didn’t believe. When I was begging my mother to let go – I still thought she’d wake up grab a superhero cape and be here forever. I was certainly not prepared.

When the moment came - I was in disbelief. My heart stopped as I hit the floor...crying and then I ran away and when asked what I needed all I could say was “my mom”

With all the certainty in the world that she was leaving me... I never believed it till it happened. The astonishing fact is that that was not my worst moment. In that moment I had only lived without her for seconds. Now it has been weeks. One day it will be years. But I promise, I promise to love her for the rest of my life. Not a day will go by that I won’t wish she were here. Nothing will be as good as it was supposed to be. No party, no wedding nothing. She will always be missing.

I miss my mom everyday. I miss talking to her first thing in the morning and I miss her being the one I tell goodnight. I miss my roommate, my fellow tv lover, my cook, my friend, my mom. I obviously always will.

fifteen

There is one specific lyric in this song that is a bit to close to heart. It states
“Breathing in an out is a blessing can’t you see?”
How perfectly a lyric about the simple act of breathing relates to everything that is my new world. As my mother struggled to breathe for weeks, t was hard not to see the everyday normalcy as a true blessing. Breathing, living, loving…it is all quite the blessing.

In the past months it would be oh so easy to be the girl who cries and complains but I do try my hardest to have not become that person. It has never for a moment escaped me that every person I know is hurting for the same reason. Yet it is in no way the same reason. I lost my mother. I did not lose a daughter, sister, friend or caregiver. But, I am surrounded by all these heartbroken people. One of which sit around feeling sorry for themselves. Each and everyone of them is saddened for themselves yet but also for their families and friends.

So I assume this is why it is so very hard for me to try and understand the negativity so many have towards their own lives. There is nothing quite as drowning as reading posts on Facebook. The endless amounts of complaints about boyfriends, school, work, money and of all things…PARENTS, pull me under. It makes me angry most mornings. How dare them all to take for granted how simply good their lives are. How much I yearn for the days my biggest problem is getting a paper done on time.

I suppose that all this may be an unrelenting reminder that life does go on. And although my life is difficult, I am not the only one who has lost a mother and I am certainly better off than many around the world.

NO I am not great. But I’m ok…today at least. I am incomplete, and I always will be, so all I can do at this point is learn to live with my new reality and learn to embrace it. And how to do this? Be happy for those who are still here…as for me I thank my lucky stars that I’m alive and well.

So as this song states with its simple melody and heartfelt words…

"It’ so damn easy to say that life's so hard. Everybody's got their share of battle scars.
As for me I'd like to thank my lucky stars that I'm alive and well

It'd be easy to add up all the pain. And all the dreams you've sat and watch go up in flames. Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain. But not me... I'm alive"

15 songs/ 2010

2010 has started far different than any other year in my life. Since the fifth of January my world has been torn apart.
During my mother's sickness i said to someone "food has no taste, sleep has no meaning and even music has no sound"
Since her passing, i have found most of that is still true. Hunger is something that comes daily from forgetting to eat, other days all i can do is eat. Sleep, when it comes is both cherished and scary, but it truly waking up that is the chore.

As for music - music has sound. In fact it is more beautiful than ever. Whether it provides a soundtrack to cry to (or a loud enough cover) or a safe haven from the world..songs have become deeper and more meaningful than ever.

So...since the beginning of 2010, my life has been changed. Everyone asks how i am... and truthfully I answer "I don't know" But what I do know is that i have had a need to write. But words escape me, where to start, where to end, what to say....all seems so small. So as i traveled through my itunes today i glanced at my recently played songs. They were undeniably the soundtrack of the past two months.

So I need to write, I dont know where to start, and these songs say so much - i present to you my top 15 songs since 2010 has begun, what they are, and what they mean to me.

ONE SONG A DAY
enjoy