All the clocks are gone....

As I get ready for work i have no way of telling if I'm going to be on time, because all the clocks are gone.

As I walk down the stairs to get my clothes out of the dryer and I look above the door, the clock is gone. It was sold last week at a yard sale. It used to tell me when it was time for school, when power rangers were on and when it was time to line up for snack and now the clock is gone.

The clock in the kitchen is gone too. I gave it to a friend. But now as I eat breakfast at the table that will still be gone too, I can't tell time. The clock that let me know if I was late for dinner, or only had five minutes to eat before practice... is gone.

All the alarm clocks are unplugged and even the oven stopped working.

The clocks are gone and the irony is time really is all we have. Not much, a week too be exact. A week before we say goodbye to the place we grew, the place that made me with the mom who made this house a home. The hand-prints guide the stairs that lead to the rooms that made me. The rooms that my friends and I played. the TV I ran to Saturday mornings to get control on the toons.

On nights like tonight, its hard to sleep because the sky light that was put in when I was a kid makes the rain so loud.

The deck squeaks but its where all our cleats met by the door.

And the windows are all new...except the one in your room. That one remains original. That was to become a doubled door out to the deck to be built outside your room. The deck that would allow your summer nights to be held outside. Your own oasis with the view of the hills and the wisteria.

And now as we leave, the clocks are all gone and, it is the window not a door that remains. All the plans you had are put on hold an we won't see them. But it's ok because the home you built is now just a house.

Because a house just isn't a home once your mom is gone.

two

I imagine that the reasons for not posting this sooner are much the same reasons that this songs makes so much sense. Of all the songs I have heard this one hits home the hardest. I must have started writing about it every day for the past six months and been unable to do it.

So today, the day after yet another family birthday party without her, and the week before her own birthday, i choose to share with you my daily struggle. I admit to you all, that no, I am not ok. I miss her everyday and everyday i pretend to be ok. I have come to realize that that is the only way to get out of bed. But it also happens to be eating me alive so here it is. I'm posting the lyrics because they are so absolutley, profoundly, amazingly spot on that my words can't express it any better.

You may think
I’m just fine
How could anything
Ever be out of line?

I take my time
To set the stage
To make sure everything
Is all in place

Even though I’ve got the lines rehearsed
A picture only paints a thousand words


Things aren’t always what they seem
You’re only seeing part of me
There’s more than you could ever know
Behind the scenes
I’m incomplete and I’m undone
But I suppose like everyone
There’s so much more that’s going on
Behind the scenes

Sometimes I can’t see
Anything
THROUGH THE DARK
SURROUNDING ME
And at times I’m unsure
About the ground
Beneath my feet
If it’s safe and sound

When it’s hard to find hope in the unseen
I have peace in knowing it will find me



You may think I’m just fine
...How could anything ever be out of line?

three

Dear Mom,

I miss you so much. We all do. I wish I could tell you everyone’s ok, but they’re really not. It’s kind of hard to be when our world is gone and the one who puts it back together is gone too. I wish I could write and ask you questions and believe that I’d get to hear the answers. Some days I think I can. Maybe there’s a special mailbox that will return a letter from you. But for now I’ll just tell you what I hope you already know.

Thanks for always being my shadow, You were content to let me shine, that’s your way. You were always only a step behind. When I was the one with all the glory, you were the one with all the strength. Your beautiful face and beautiful name and in the end a beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you’re my hero. And everything I’d like to be. I can fly higher than an eagle.

To me there is noting like the beginning to this song, when it comes in so softly and everyone around kinda knows what they’re in for. This song has brought us through so many moments. I remember the first time I saw beaches, I was 4 years old and cried for hours and hours while you laughed at me uncontrollably. As I got older the song was always a corny joke. We’d tell endless people how it was about them… When all along it was always about you. IT has a different meaning to me now. Where I used to think being in a shadow was a negative, I now realize that your shadows really the only constant in your life. It’s always there, right beside you, the closest thing to you.

Mom, I feel like I’ve lost my shadow. It’s like I’m always living in the darkness, where I know it’s still there but I can’t see it anymore and it just makes everything off balance. Just like days in the sun without a shadow, sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. I still feel you everywhere I go. In sudden moments I see your face, I can see your smile. I hear you laughing all the time and I still refuse to believe your gone. I can’t believe it. I can not believe it. I really do not get it. I don’t believe it.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

If it wasn’t clear, you're what I want to be. The strength and love you showed me is immeasurable. Not too many people know how tough times got sometimes, but we did and you never treated it like a crisis but like another mountain to climb. You showed grace under fire.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it,
I would be nothing with out you.

Lorelai, days are so weird. Some days it just stabs when I realize I can’t just GET PAST this and see you. It’s not fair. You died too young. Your story had just begun. I miss you so much every single second. Only God knows the hell that I’ve been through, just knowing no one could take your place. There’s a weight in my heart that wasn’t there before. Everything hurts more and nothing feels as good.
I’ll never have you here again. I’ve lost my hero. But I hope you know…

Chorus
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

you let me fly so high.
so high against the sky, so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you, THANK GOD FOR YOU
the wind beneath my wings.

four

The week started last Sunday morning, but I tear I couldn’t find.
You showed me how I’m supposed to live.
I was lost till this Sunday morning, while writing out your mothers day card I found a tear

I'm gunna miss that smile
I'm gunna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I'd do it all again

Here I sit, the day after mothers day, wondering ‘how it can all be real?’
I did almost everything I can think of to make the day be “just another day”
I tried to avoid and ignore and when that didn’t work,
I tried to praise in remembrance. That didn’t work either.
Trips to Vegas, parties at Pixar, chalking the hill, continuing to go to mother’s day events…none got rid of the increasingly huge body ache I had felt the week prior to Mother’s day.

And today I’m crying for me.
As I tried to fall asleep after a night of partying in sin city – I cried for me
As I walked into my home the night after the most exciting party of my life without my biggest fan to indulge with – I cried for me
And when my friends, cousins and I were on top of that hill - I cried for me.

They all joked about what each of their mothers will say and think and how excited they were. And so I made jokes about my pain. But it wasn’t funny. The all wrote about how fun it was but to me it was excruciating. As I got up early on Mother’s day to see it, I drove down the hill and cried when I saw it. It’s beautiful. I had seen so many things on the hill over the years, some of which I was responsible for, but this was was special. To the others it was a cool gift to show their moms.

To me it was a message to be seen from heaven.

So mom play it sweet in heaven
Cause thats right where you want to be
I'm not cryin' cause I feel so sorry for you
Im cryin' for me

And so day after day I cry for my family. I cry for my mom. I often cry for my brothers but this week I cry for me. It’s selfish? Maybe? I care? No.

I got up and dialed your number
and Your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
Ive heard a thousand times
It just said, sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and God bless
I know that you think I am crazy
But I just had to hear your voice again


I have no mother any longer. Yes, she will always be with me. Yes, she wouldn’t want me to be sad – but I am. She was the epitomy of a mother and the void she left is great and painful. I can’t give her the perfect card, I can’t order flowers, I can’t clean the house, I can’t even walk in her room and see her.

So on this day after mothers day, Imagine not being able to just TALK to your mom. Just a simple hello. Not even a glance not ANYTHING. EVER. Not another Mother’s day, not another day.


I'm gunna miss that smile
I'm gunna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I'd do it all again

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

sometimes, songs that don't even have meaning of death speak more than the ones that do..

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
Thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
If you didn't notice you mean everything
I don't know how to live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
I can't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me

So what do you do
When somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops being here with you
And it seems no ones got a clue
Of the pain that its putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
And sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way?"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away
Well I guess I'm trying to be
Nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the disguise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry
don't really want to feel the pain
i'm hoping for sun
but it looks like rain
so tell me - how do i live without you
How do I,
Get through the night without you?
now i have had to live without you,
What kind of life will that be?
Oh, I
I need to be in your arms, need you to hold,
You're my world, my heart, my soul,
why did you ever leave,
you took with you so much good in my life,

And tell me now
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Without you,
There's no sun in my sky,
There's not your love in my life,
sometimes it seems theres no world left for me.
And I don't know what I should do,

I'm lost since I lost you,

I cam e to write again today. But the song is just too hard and this week is a little too real. So much with the family and too little of my moms help to get us all through it. I'd like to acknowledge my family for their bravery and strength this week.

I know everyone always says they looked up to my mother, but this week I admire her sister for her unbelievable courage.

On that note... I'm off to Vegas