thirteen

I miss my mom. Daily. Every minute…and that is how often I think about her..and missing her. I am constantly reminded she is gone. The outside world is new to me. People are different, relationships are different…work is different. I have become scared of human beings. With their sad eyes, extra long hugs and slight head tilts the moment they see me… I know there is no escaping the fact that they know…I am in ruins.

It’s a sobering realization. I am vulnerable and apparently see through. Most admit they have no idea how I feel or how I could deal, some idiots want to talk for hours and be the one I cry too. I have learned that everyone has good intentions in mind. Many times I have to repeat that to myself in my head while one rambles on.

What so many don’t EVER seem to understand is that when they bring up my mother I am already at that moment thinking of her and may times one “I’m sorry” can feel lie it’s happened all over again.


On the darkest days it is When I’m at the end of the road it is Greenday that explains it best.

The fight is daily. The battle to hold in tears, to face the world, to get out of bed. Most day the battle is won leaving the war still to be fought. But some days I just have to give into the fight.

When a group full of people is suddenly suffocating, but loneliness is worse.
When all I want is to be home but the house cuts like a knife.
When escaping to another state seems the only escape but being away brings a whole new set of emotions, thoughts and fears
When your bed seems to offer solace but hiding under the covers just isn’t enough
When you're at the end of the road and you lost all sense of control
and your thoughts have taken their toll. When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass and the hangover doesn't pass
….that is when its time to throw your arms into the sky and give up your fight

When it’s time to live and let die – and you can’t get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You’re in ruins