fourteen

My weakest moments come when I think of the rest of my life. Days pass, facts set in, pain is less raw but the yearning becomes greater. To think that I will miss her this much forever is depressing, terrifying but yet fulfilling.

This song is this low on the countdown for no other reason than it is brutally difficult to listen too. The words are literal and spot on. It offers feeling of the present and plans for the future...both of which are hard to comprehend.

As I sit and think of days gone by, I mostly dwell in disbelief. It may have been over a month ago but if I were to awake tomorrow morning and be told it happened yesterday I’d agree.

The first verse of this song hurts the most

Suddenly, it happened so fast,
I couldn’t believe the news that I received
My heart stopped as I hit the floor
I fell to my knees cryin’, "Lord, help me"

No matter what times brings
Or the changes we go through
In life there’s some things
We just can’t prepare for

The truth is I never thought it would happen. As my mother sat me down to tell me there was a mass on her lung I sat in disbelief but instantly optimistic.
There’s a mass…It’ll be cyst
It’s a tumor… It’ll be benign
It’s malignant – cancer. It’ll be just one a low stage,
it’s stage four… We’ll have months, we’ll fight….

I recall a table surrounded by family members but I only saw Chad. As I heard the words from a doctor explaining how a life was ending, I could only see him. I cried but didn’t believe. I saw him cry, but I didn’t believe. When I was begging my mother to let go – I still thought she’d wake up grab a superhero cape and be here forever. I was certainly not prepared.

When the moment came - I was in disbelief. My heart stopped as I hit the floor...crying and then I ran away and when asked what I needed all I could say was “my mom”

With all the certainty in the world that she was leaving me... I never believed it till it happened. The astonishing fact is that that was not my worst moment. In that moment I had only lived without her for seconds. Now it has been weeks. One day it will be years. But I promise, I promise to love her for the rest of my life. Not a day will go by that I won’t wish she were here. Nothing will be as good as it was supposed to be. No party, no wedding nothing. She will always be missing.

I miss my mom everyday. I miss talking to her first thing in the morning and I miss her being the one I tell goodnight. I miss my roommate, my fellow tv lover, my cook, my friend, my mom. I obviously always will.