I must have come here a hundred times since my last blog trying to start my next, But what used to bring me comfort, and what used to come easy..is now hard and painful. As the songs get more meaningful, the writing gets harder.

I've finally faced that i have entered a new stage of whatever the hell it is I'm going through. I'd like to name it "I thought I couldn't hurt anymore....but I was wrong" I am no better than the day my mother died, If anything it is worse, far worse. I've had to have holidays and birthdays whithout her. Something I should have never had to do. My strength is dwindling and the source I always got it from is gone too.

I'll be back when I find it.

five

I miss her a lot today. I woke up, felt the sunshine gleaming through my window, and wanted nothing more than to walk outside and see her sitting on the front deck watching the kids climb the tree. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. My bones ached for it. The sunshine brought chills rather than rays. Then the rain came. It makes me miss her more.

I want my mom. I want to be at my soccer games with her again. I want to be on the rides to and from the soccer games again. I want to be in college and call her everyday. I want to read an e-mail from her saying how excited she is that I am coming home this weekend. I want it all back.

I want my mama. I want the woman who held me, fed me and taught me.

she taught me everything
And everything she’s given me
I always keep it inside
She will always be the driving force in my life, yeah

I want my mom on the holidays. Easter brought pain like I had never felt before. The night before, I sat listening to friends talk about what they thought their moms were giving them in their grown up Easter bskets and I felt a brand new emptiness. I didn’t know I had any new types of emptiness. As I fell asleep tat night, my face stung. My eyes balls and the skin underneath it was as hot as fire and as red as brick. I once again cried myself to sleep. The next day I felt paralyzed. I made it to breakfast, barely..and then was an hour late for the family gathering for no other reason than being unable to get out of bed.

There isn't anything that I can do - and it just will never feel right because I won’t have you by my side

But the day I’ve wanted my mom most was yesterday. Yesterday I had the utmost honor of becoming a Godmother. An honor my mother had be placed upon her many times. Once she was so so very proud of. We’d have conversations about it bein the highest honor anyone could ever give you. And on this day I KNOW my mom would be so happy for me. We would have talked about it and she would have been smiling and just so proud.

Before the baptism I was asked if I wanted to say something, knowing how hard the day had ben already , I declined. But if I can say anything it is this

I am more honored today than ever before in my life. I have seen first hand how amazing a Godmother can be to her Godchild. I believe I have seen it done right, countless times. If I can be half the Godmother my mom was – the kid will be alright.

And no one else can be what you have been to me
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know –l ovin' you is like food to my soul


I want to wake up on Easter and find out what she got me. I want to wake up on the day of a baptism and be proud together. I want to wake up on a Saturday and watch TV with her. I want to wake up everyday and hear her voice. But mostly I want to wake up and not be sad. I want to wake up to the voice of her encouraging a child to climb a tree, or telling them its time for lunch. Honestly, I just want to wake up.

My mom always LOVED this song. It makes me smile to hear it.