two

I imagine that the reasons for not posting this sooner are much the same reasons that this songs makes so much sense. Of all the songs I have heard this one hits home the hardest. I must have started writing about it every day for the past six months and been unable to do it.

So today, the day after yet another family birthday party without her, and the week before her own birthday, i choose to share with you my daily struggle. I admit to you all, that no, I am not ok. I miss her everyday and everyday i pretend to be ok. I have come to realize that that is the only way to get out of bed. But it also happens to be eating me alive so here it is. I'm posting the lyrics because they are so absolutley, profoundly, amazingly spot on that my words can't express it any better.

You may think
I’m just fine
How could anything
Ever be out of line?

I take my time
To set the stage
To make sure everything
Is all in place

Even though I’ve got the lines rehearsed
A picture only paints a thousand words


Things aren’t always what they seem
You’re only seeing part of me
There’s more than you could ever know
Behind the scenes
I’m incomplete and I’m undone
But I suppose like everyone
There’s so much more that’s going on
Behind the scenes

Sometimes I can’t see
Anything
THROUGH THE DARK
SURROUNDING ME
And at times I’m unsure
About the ground
Beneath my feet
If it’s safe and sound

When it’s hard to find hope in the unseen
I have peace in knowing it will find me



You may think I’m just fine
...How could anything ever be out of line?

three

Dear Mom,

I miss you so much. We all do. I wish I could tell you everyone’s ok, but they’re really not. It’s kind of hard to be when our world is gone and the one who puts it back together is gone too. I wish I could write and ask you questions and believe that I’d get to hear the answers. Some days I think I can. Maybe there’s a special mailbox that will return a letter from you. But for now I’ll just tell you what I hope you already know.

Thanks for always being my shadow, You were content to let me shine, that’s your way. You were always only a step behind. When I was the one with all the glory, you were the one with all the strength. Your beautiful face and beautiful name and in the end a beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you’re my hero. And everything I’d like to be. I can fly higher than an eagle.

To me there is noting like the beginning to this song, when it comes in so softly and everyone around kinda knows what they’re in for. This song has brought us through so many moments. I remember the first time I saw beaches, I was 4 years old and cried for hours and hours while you laughed at me uncontrollably. As I got older the song was always a corny joke. We’d tell endless people how it was about them… When all along it was always about you. IT has a different meaning to me now. Where I used to think being in a shadow was a negative, I now realize that your shadows really the only constant in your life. It’s always there, right beside you, the closest thing to you.

Mom, I feel like I’ve lost my shadow. It’s like I’m always living in the darkness, where I know it’s still there but I can’t see it anymore and it just makes everything off balance. Just like days in the sun without a shadow, sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. I still feel you everywhere I go. In sudden moments I see your face, I can see your smile. I hear you laughing all the time and I still refuse to believe your gone. I can’t believe it. I can not believe it. I really do not get it. I don’t believe it.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

If it wasn’t clear, you're what I want to be. The strength and love you showed me is immeasurable. Not too many people know how tough times got sometimes, but we did and you never treated it like a crisis but like another mountain to climb. You showed grace under fire.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it,
I would be nothing with out you.

Lorelai, days are so weird. Some days it just stabs when I realize I can’t just GET PAST this and see you. It’s not fair. You died too young. Your story had just begun. I miss you so much every single second. Only God knows the hell that I’ve been through, just knowing no one could take your place. There’s a weight in my heart that wasn’t there before. Everything hurts more and nothing feels as good.
I’ll never have you here again. I’ve lost my hero. But I hope you know…

Chorus
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

you let me fly so high.
so high against the sky, so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you, THANK GOD FOR YOU
the wind beneath my wings.

four

The week started last Sunday morning, but I tear I couldn’t find.
You showed me how I’m supposed to live.
I was lost till this Sunday morning, while writing out your mothers day card I found a tear

I'm gunna miss that smile
I'm gunna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I'd do it all again

Here I sit, the day after mothers day, wondering ‘how it can all be real?’
I did almost everything I can think of to make the day be “just another day”
I tried to avoid and ignore and when that didn’t work,
I tried to praise in remembrance. That didn’t work either.
Trips to Vegas, parties at Pixar, chalking the hill, continuing to go to mother’s day events…none got rid of the increasingly huge body ache I had felt the week prior to Mother’s day.

And today I’m crying for me.
As I tried to fall asleep after a night of partying in sin city – I cried for me
As I walked into my home the night after the most exciting party of my life without my biggest fan to indulge with – I cried for me
And when my friends, cousins and I were on top of that hill - I cried for me.

They all joked about what each of their mothers will say and think and how excited they were. And so I made jokes about my pain. But it wasn’t funny. The all wrote about how fun it was but to me it was excruciating. As I got up early on Mother’s day to see it, I drove down the hill and cried when I saw it. It’s beautiful. I had seen so many things on the hill over the years, some of which I was responsible for, but this was was special. To the others it was a cool gift to show their moms.

To me it was a message to be seen from heaven.

So mom play it sweet in heaven
Cause thats right where you want to be
I'm not cryin' cause I feel so sorry for you
Im cryin' for me

And so day after day I cry for my family. I cry for my mom. I often cry for my brothers but this week I cry for me. It’s selfish? Maybe? I care? No.

I got up and dialed your number
and Your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
Ive heard a thousand times
It just said, sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and God bless
I know that you think I am crazy
But I just had to hear your voice again


I have no mother any longer. Yes, she will always be with me. Yes, she wouldn’t want me to be sad – but I am. She was the epitomy of a mother and the void she left is great and painful. I can’t give her the perfect card, I can’t order flowers, I can’t clean the house, I can’t even walk in her room and see her.

So on this day after mothers day, Imagine not being able to just TALK to your mom. Just a simple hello. Not even a glance not ANYTHING. EVER. Not another Mother’s day, not another day.


I'm gunna miss that smile
I'm gunna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I'd do it all again

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

sometimes, songs that don't even have meaning of death speak more than the ones that do..

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
Thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
If you didn't notice you mean everything
I don't know how to live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
I can't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me

So what do you do
When somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops being here with you
And it seems no ones got a clue
Of the pain that its putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
And sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way?"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away
Well I guess I'm trying to be
Nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the disguise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry
don't really want to feel the pain
i'm hoping for sun
but it looks like rain
so tell me - how do i live without you
How do I,
Get through the night without you?
now i have had to live without you,
What kind of life will that be?
Oh, I
I need to be in your arms, need you to hold,
You're my world, my heart, my soul,
why did you ever leave,
you took with you so much good in my life,

And tell me now
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Without you,
There's no sun in my sky,
There's not your love in my life,
sometimes it seems theres no world left for me.
And I don't know what I should do,

I'm lost since I lost you,

I cam e to write again today. But the song is just too hard and this week is a little too real. So much with the family and too little of my moms help to get us all through it. I'd like to acknowledge my family for their bravery and strength this week.

I know everyone always says they looked up to my mother, but this week I admire her sister for her unbelievable courage.

On that note... I'm off to Vegas

I must have come here a hundred times since my last blog trying to start my next, But what used to bring me comfort, and what used to come easy..is now hard and painful. As the songs get more meaningful, the writing gets harder.

I've finally faced that i have entered a new stage of whatever the hell it is I'm going through. I'd like to name it "I thought I couldn't hurt anymore....but I was wrong" I am no better than the day my mother died, If anything it is worse, far worse. I've had to have holidays and birthdays whithout her. Something I should have never had to do. My strength is dwindling and the source I always got it from is gone too.

I'll be back when I find it.

five

I miss her a lot today. I woke up, felt the sunshine gleaming through my window, and wanted nothing more than to walk outside and see her sitting on the front deck watching the kids climb the tree. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. My bones ached for it. The sunshine brought chills rather than rays. Then the rain came. It makes me miss her more.

I want my mom. I want to be at my soccer games with her again. I want to be on the rides to and from the soccer games again. I want to be in college and call her everyday. I want to read an e-mail from her saying how excited she is that I am coming home this weekend. I want it all back.

I want my mama. I want the woman who held me, fed me and taught me.

she taught me everything
And everything she’s given me
I always keep it inside
She will always be the driving force in my life, yeah

I want my mom on the holidays. Easter brought pain like I had never felt before. The night before, I sat listening to friends talk about what they thought their moms were giving them in their grown up Easter bskets and I felt a brand new emptiness. I didn’t know I had any new types of emptiness. As I fell asleep tat night, my face stung. My eyes balls and the skin underneath it was as hot as fire and as red as brick. I once again cried myself to sleep. The next day I felt paralyzed. I made it to breakfast, barely..and then was an hour late for the family gathering for no other reason than being unable to get out of bed.

There isn't anything that I can do - and it just will never feel right because I won’t have you by my side

But the day I’ve wanted my mom most was yesterday. Yesterday I had the utmost honor of becoming a Godmother. An honor my mother had be placed upon her many times. Once she was so so very proud of. We’d have conversations about it bein the highest honor anyone could ever give you. And on this day I KNOW my mom would be so happy for me. We would have talked about it and she would have been smiling and just so proud.

Before the baptism I was asked if I wanted to say something, knowing how hard the day had ben already , I declined. But if I can say anything it is this

I am more honored today than ever before in my life. I have seen first hand how amazing a Godmother can be to her Godchild. I believe I have seen it done right, countless times. If I can be half the Godmother my mom was – the kid will be alright.

And no one else can be what you have been to me
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know –l ovin' you is like food to my soul


I want to wake up on Easter and find out what she got me. I want to wake up on the day of a baptism and be proud together. I want to wake up on a Saturday and watch TV with her. I want to wake up everyday and hear her voice. But mostly I want to wake up and not be sad. I want to wake up to the voice of her encouraging a child to climb a tree, or telling them its time for lunch. Honestly, I just want to wake up.

My mom always LOVED this song. It makes me smile to hear it.

six.two

My (mother) had felt in that moment the first flicker of the sad morality of being a parent. Her life had given birth to three children, so that number calmed her. No matter what happened to her, the three would have one another.
- The lovely bones

When the night had come
And the land was dark
And the moon was the only light we could see
Oh I was be afraid, so so afraid
But I wasn’t alone Just as long as you stood my me

As I grew up, I did so with two brothers.

When I was eight years old, Kyle took me in the backyard to teach me to play soccer. The previous season, I had been atrocious on the field, embarrassing him prefusley. He began to teach me principles and techniques. We worked for hours without anyone ever knowing. My first practice that year, I was on fire. My mother watched with her jaw dropped in amazement of my new found passion for the game. That season I set the record and scored 39 goals.

And brother, brother stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me

I was ten and he was eight we Chad began to sleep on my floor. Every night we would take the decorative pillows off my bed and the wo of my moms bed and make him a bed on my floor. We’d talk all night every night. Mom said if we didn’t stop she wouldn’t let us do it anymore, but she never dare to break up the sibling bonding time. His makeshift bed meant that we’d have to get up earlier every school morning as to have it picked up before we left, but that didn’t matter. We did this night after night for what my mom later told us was over six months.

And brother, brother stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me

The night in December that Chad returned home from college, the three of us sat in the living room. Two of us with heavy hearts and shaking hands, knew what we were about to tell our younger brother would break his heart, as it had ours. We sat that night, the three of us, with our cousin, and talked, and cried and laughed.

When the sky that we look upon tumbled and fell
And the mountains crumbled to the sea
Oh I cried, I sure cried, I shed so many tears
But I wasn’t alone as long as you stood by me

As we sat side by side in hospital waiting rooms and by our mothers bedside we did so as a team. Surrounded by family and close friends, there was nothing as heart wrenching as watching one of my brothers stare at my mother. There was nothing like knowing there were people going thru the same EXACT thing I was.

And brother brother, stand by me, oh stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me, yeah

Since the passing of our mother, our dynamic has changed. We are no longer three children who are bonded together by a fabulous mother. We are three grown ups, living life in a different way. Things are not the same. We will forever be a small group without our leader. On Easter morning it will not be our mom who made us basket even though we were grown. Mothers day will now be for aunts and grandma. It won’t be her handwriting on our pajamas on Christmas Eve. And we won’t hear her voice on birthdays and ordinary days. We have what she left of with. With lessons to teach our own children, and morals to lie by every day. We always did things to make her proud. Maybe it was subconscious but we’d achieve things and love to make her happy, calling her first to tell her of an accomplishment, now we will do it not so subconsciously but still to make her proud.

But we have each other. And on nights like I had last night, it is my little brother who sits on the foot of my bed and talks with me. He’s the only person who doesn’t need to try to tell me its ok. I am not the weaker nor the stronger while talking to him. We just talk, and share our memories and our pain. It is he who understands how a heart can physically hurt and how legs cramp. He gets that sleep, while a necessity, is no longer a given. He’s scared like I am.

Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

But in our future we have each other. It wasn’t too long ago that Chad and I were with a friend when she called her mom to tell her about the job she had just gotten. With complete emptiness in my body I looked at him and through his big beautiful blue eyes I could see he was empty too. And so I said to him “ When I get my dream job, can I call you?”

Those same amazing eyes looked up at me and replied “You better”


now i now i can battle anything as long as they continue to stand by me.

six.one

Some times in our lives
we have all have pain
we all have sorrow…….

Leaning is something I do well somedays and others I can’t do at all. There are a select few I can talk to. Others I can barely answer the phone for. But even the ones I find myself confiding in, occasionally get pushed away. Sometimes those are the ones that are the hardest because when I know I can confide, it scares me. Some days opening it up is just too much.

I’m sure being my friend right now isn’t easy. Texts go unanswered phone calls end abruptly and visits tend to get cancelled. But all in all they still let me lean. And to those I lean on most I thank you.

When I look back on this journey, I remember days. I recall the cancer day, the stage four day, the hospital day, the last day…. But there are twenty four hours that have a different type of remembrance linked to them.

First Chad came home and the next day Dustin came home.

The timing was due to nothing more than airline schedules but the sequence in which they came set the pace for the entire ordeal.

I have no certainty that this next pact exists except that I know my cousins and I know it exists. I’m am certain. The pact that Dustin and Derek would be there for Dana and Chad. And they were.

Dust became the Robin to Chad’s Batman. They drove my mom to every appointment and as Chad took care of her at every chance Dustin took care of Chad.

He was with him every night. Whether it be WII bowling, movies or just talking the two were inseparable. He understood what it was to be a friend. His cousin lost his mom. He never needed it explained or even spoke about, he just was there.

When we began sleeping at the hospital both Dustin and Derek slept with us. They lay on the floor cold and sleepy, but they were there.

The night she died, the night my world stopped turning and my heart was shattered my strength was found in a young man. The same kid that was always teamed up with me in backyard football and the same teenager that couldn’t pick out a shirt without me.

Derek took his hands placed them on my shoulders and said to me “ I need you to know that you will never ever, not for a second have to go through this alone”

In that moment I had no idea what to do. Should I hug him? Should I cry? I was overwhelmed with his empathy and his strength. I was so proud of him and yet had no strength of my own to tell him so.

He was the first person I told. He sleeps with me three nights a week. It goes without saying that he is my rock. He is what keeps me going, LITERALLY. It may be a simple Pixar movie or a text in the middle of the day, but it is Derek Frank that has shown me his heart through the thickest of thick and the thinnest of thin.

He's seen me cry too many times. He understands what she was to me. He understands that I can't move on. He gets that I can't sleep and he excepts my anger. His compassion and capacity for empathy astounds me. I once text him from the other side of the table to tell him I was sad and when I saw him read it, I saw his entire body hunch down. Not only has this amazing being lost his aunt, he is in such pain because his mom and his cousins are in such pain. And yet he will rise about and let us lean. We he looked up at me from that table his eyes said to me

LEAN ON ME
WHEN YOU’RE NOT STRONG
AND I’LL BE YOUR FRIEND
I’LL HELP YOU CARRY ON

gilmore girls

Last week I went to the doctor. Last time I was in that building I was in the emergency room wondering why I couldn’t breathe at night. My mom came with me. I remember asking her if it is normal that I had my mom with me and she said “yeah, no one likes to go to hospital alone”

Now a few months later I returned by myself for a checkup. I left knowing that the lumps in my neck were inflamed lymph nodes still fighting the pneumonia that I was diagnosed with four months prior.

How screwed up is it that? I went that day, to the hospital, with two things. My mom and my sickness. And now my virus is still here and my mom is not. Honestly, how can this be real? How can she NEVER be coming back? How can it be not even six months from that first visit and everything is upside down? On my information it says I live with my mom..how can this not be true? How can she not be the person I call after the appointment? HOW? WHY? How does any of this make any sense at all?

Many times people ask me “How do you do it?” or “ I couldn’t do this” my question to them is what is the alternative, what other choice do I have? PLEASE tell me. Because I’ll do it.. Life isn’t what I want it to be. I want to be able to come home at night and wake her up to tell her I’m home. I want to be able to share my day and my opinions with her. I don't like feeling empty. So please, when someone refers to what it is i'm "doing" please let me know if there is another choice.

So today I write with no strength and no words of wisdom about my family, my little kids or even my mom, today I’m mad. I'm mad that this happened. MAd that it continues to get harder. Never for a second has it gotten any easier. I miss her. And I’m sad, and what I really need is my MOM. I need her to help me thru the death of my MOM.

Because when I’m out on the road, feeling lonely and so cold,
I wish I could call her name and she’d be there.

She’d be the one to cry with and to express my anger too. If this were ANYONE else, it would be her I’d lean on for strength. And so I need her. I need my mom.

Our favorite show to watch together was Gilmore Girls. We once borrowed all the seasons for Auntie Lisa and my mom got so annoyed because I sang the theme song every single time it came on. But it was just so fitting. I would get my hairbrush and sing it to my mom at the top of my lungs. Listening to it now, it really is a special song.


That day, after we left the hospital, we went to Carrows. Just the two of us. And of course we joked about how Gilmore Girls this was of us. For some reason, that day all the daycare kids had called in and said they weren’t coming. Never in all her years had she got an unplanned day off. So we enjoyed the meal together. Just us two. We sat at the table and spoke about how friendly the people were. We both made phone calls to let people know what the diagnosis was and we went about eating our meal. We sat there like Rory and Lorelai always did. We didn’t have our own diner, or a special order we just had a table and a mother and a daughter. Who knows what we talked about, but we talked.

At the end of that meal she told me that she, too, felt queasy and wasn’t breathing right and that she would make an appointment for the following week.

to laura love ana

This morning Ana Rose is here. She's being a little moody but hey she's five. After a few minutes of neglecting WallE she came back in my room with a note. It is noting more than some scribbles but the child recited it exactly the same ten times. So i decided to bring out the camera.




Last night, two of the last three daycare kids spent the night with Kyle and I. To me these kids are the untouchables. They will forever hold a spot in my heart. There is something about them being the very last kids in a daycare with such a legacy that makes them that much more part of the legacy.

I love spending time with them. Maybe it's the Laura in me, but the child in them calms my soul.

But it is their honesty about their emotions that I find most comforting. When Ana is around and someone is here that doesn't know her i often have to tell them "She's very open with her feelings." because many times she'll come out of Laura's room and say "Ok, talked to Laura, she misses you and says hi." and goes about her day.

They talk about her constantly. They fought last night about whether or not she can see them or if she can hear them when they talk to her. And in the bath they complained about how Laura would have gave them toys but shes passed away now so I have to be the one to go get them. (They play the sympathy card well)

Their love for 'Laura', like so many before them is so deep. They adored her and miss her greatly. It's been an adjustment to say the least. For them and for me. I see them at least once a week, many times opting to take Ana for the day (before kindergarten starts next year)

One day the two of us were watching "UP" and as the lady sat dying in her hospital bed Ana asked "Is she dying, like Laura?" and when I responded with a yes she continued ...

"I wish I could go in her room and talk to her, I wish she wasn't at the doctors alot, I wish she could breath by herself and I wish she could make me lunch again. That's what I would do if I was a wizard....And it's ok that you wear her sweats because you miss her and you want to feel close to her. Can I do your hair like your mom did when you were little? I'll do it and I'll take care of you until Laura comes back...after I'm a wizard, or until Chad finds Harry Lotter (yes, Lotter)"

I'm telling you- the spirit in a child, the one my mom found long ago and held onto, is that of a true angel.

g.g.

My words would do this scene no justice. Every last word. Every SINGLE word of this scene now has extraordinary meaning.

seven

As I sat on my mothers bed and she looked at me and said “I don’t have long to live,” I stared into her eyes holding back the tears…then I looked to her left and my aunt was sitting next to her. Then the doorbell rang. I ran, it was her other sister.

That night four grown men showed up at my door. That night she said to me “Do you know all my brothers told me they loved me today? That’s cool!”

The Parella seven have long been legend in this town, but that day they were my heros. As each of them walked through the door, I had seen horrible hurt in all their eyes, but they were there TO support not FOR support.

Her sisters were here armor. My aunts fought for her like I’d never seen. It was her we called to get us to the hospital at 5a.m.

My cousins and I always made fun of them, “My sissy” is what Lisa would call Laura. They were best friends, raised their children together just down the street. Soccer, baseball, marine world…Saturday Afternoons, shopping, and ten phone calls a day, they were always together, and loved each other for it. Her sister; her friend.

it was her that wouldn’t leave her sisters bedside. My mom had her own bodyguard in her youngest sister. She walked with her when they transferred her, she went home only a single time.

One sister was not enough to get their older sister to the hospital. She was stubborn. I remember that day I looked at my brother and said “she thinks she’s never coming back home. (I thought she was crazy).

When he second sister showed up, the closest to her age, her partner in crime growing up, she still refused to go. It brought me back to all the silly arguments I’d seen them have over the years. Always ending in laughter and fun while they lasted. She had always been exceptional to her. I remember planning her special birthday with my mom and the entire time was like we were working on a secret mission. To pull this off would be the story of the century I thought. I still remember the thank you notes we received. Especially the one to my mom. I knew in that moment what it was to have a sibling as a best friend.

She was by her side for endless hours. Going home only to sleep on select nights. She dealt with the doctors and was on told of security when they dared try and kick her family out. She was part of the army that would let nothing happen to her sister; her friend.

Before we could get her to the hospital her brother had to show up. We called him Superman. He was our anchor. The strength and courage he showed to my brothers and I is immeasurable. He took control when we needed it and never let us go it alone. Matt is who drove my brother and I home the one time we dared leave, he calmed us with his words and he settled us with his knowledge. He never lied to us. Never buttered it up but never got brutal with the truth. He was what we needed. And he himself was so hurt and sad. He loved his sister as we loved our mother. His sister: his friend.

As we all sat in the hospital room night after night. All the siblings were there. Some able to laugh, some able only to cry. But everyday they showed up, and while so many more showed up in the waiting areas they remained by their sisters side Laura, Lynne, Mick, Lisa, Mitch, Matt and Marc were together in that hospital multiple times in the eldest last days. Just like they had been that Christmas. As one. As a team.

This song isn’t about death, its not even sad. To me its what my mom would say to her sisters if she called them today. And although I know they are both probably ready to slap me after reading this, I just need them and everyone else to know that my aunts are what sisters should be. Yes, they’ve had their differences but when it came to Laura. Lynne and Lisa were the ultimate team. They fought and fought to keep her happy and comfortable. My brothers and I can only thank you. Thank you for the very bottoms of our heart. For being, our aunts, our friends and for loving our mother so deeply. Their sister: Their friend.

The Parella’s ladies and gentlemen. My family. My heroes.

eight

This amazing song has been sung by many, heard by millions but for eight people, it will never be the same.

I don’t consider myself a religious person. Spiritual, yes...a believer ..yes. I attended ccd and was baptized, had my first communion and confession but when it became my own choice, it was not church that guided my faith.

I didn’t know what I believed until I believed it. When I first had to face the fact my mom would no longer be with me I found myself thinking of heaven. I knew she’d see me do things I’d want her to see. I knew she’d see him graduate, she’d see my wedding and she’d see our babies. I knew she’d be welcomed by those she’s missed so much, it is then I knew I believed in heaven.

As I sat in the waiting room of the ICU it was cold and the floor was hard. Taco bell had gotten old and pepsi had ran its course. My family was with me. We all smiled and joked only to keep ourselves sane. But suddenly I couldn’t get a hum out of my mind. I began to hum aloud the tune of Amazing Grace.

I don’t know if it is because its what I thought I should be listening to or it was because it was appropriate, but the song lifted me. I began to find in on my phone I played it by Elvis, by Beyonce, by Whitney, Mariah and other but it was Leanne Rimes that brought me comfort. My mom loved her version.. so did I.

I love the Leanne version, but I’ve heard it better. It is Leanne Rimes I see but it is Sandy I will always here.

As I went back to see my mom, I turned the corner like I always did, fighting tears. I entered the room. As I lay beside her I put Leanne Rimes on to sing. And I cried. I cried on my mom. I listened to the song and I wished for the heaven I now knew I believed in, I wished it for my mom. She didn’t get it that day.

But she got it. And Amazing Grace was there when she did.


I listen to it now and it calms me. Sometimes it brings me back but most times it brings me to her. I wonder how she’s doing. If she gets to watch HGTV. How good is the soccer? If there’s kids up there who get to eat her grilled cheese. I wonder if she’s here when I talk and I wonder if she knows who stole Dusty’s car. Is that how it works: does she see whatever she wants? Does she get to pick and choose? I hope so. I hope she doesn’t see how hard it is for me to go to Ricky’s corner without her, I hope she didn’t see me walk away from the ice-skaters because not having her to talk to about it was just a little too hard. I hope she doesn’t see how hard her sisters are trying to live without her but some days its just too much. I hope she doesn’t know how bad Chad hurts. But I do hope she see how we talk it out. I hope she sees the friendships that are formed and how her friends still come and see me. How they call and how they care, How the family reminisces about everything and how much we miss her already.

But in her heaven she is. I’m happy for that. I just want to know how she likes it.

nine

This is my favorite song of all time. I played it repeatedly while my mom was sick… wishing, bleeding for a miracle. It said what I felt…….

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seemed like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

I love, love love this song. Its power, its emotion and its message come together to make a difference. It’s a song one can look to for strength and HOPE.

I believe in miracles. I didn't get one in a cure, but I sure as hell got one in my mother.

She always rooted for the underdog.
She was always stuck up for everyone. Even if they didn't deserve it...She
did this to a fault.
She gave. She gave till it hurt.
She often told stories about how my grandfather would provide customers with
milk even when they couldn't afford it. She did the same. She charged to
little and often gave too much.

Not only was she amazing to her own children but to so many others.
She was at every birthday party.
Every soccer game.
Every baseball game.
Every school play
Every Halloween.
Every parade.
Every Christmas



My mother was a miracle. and if she taught us anything it is the lesson of
teamwork, the village....FAMILY.

the message is simple

“We were moving mountain’s long before we knew we could”

Now that the miracle is gone I look for a new one. I have lost too many to
this thing they call cancer. Every year we walk, we fund raise we fight the
cause but it's not enough.

The single greatest verse I have EVER HEARD is as follows

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fear
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way safe through the rain
Thought of a still resilient voice
Says love is very near

My pain is great. Believe me it is. But everyday I know that love is near. And she is no longer her but her death will not go in vain. I must mend the miracles. My mother, the village she believed in and the cure.

So I give to you

www.heyhope.com

sidebar

Saturday afternoon before leaving for work I watched the series finale of Friends. It marked the end of what had been nearly four months of watching from the pilot to the end.

My mom bought Chad the complete dvd set last year for Christmas. This year I asked him to bring it home on Thanksgiving so I could enjoy our favorite show. He agreed.

When he came home for thanksgiving, we knew my mom was sick. Cancer had not been diagnosed but mixed emotions of fear and hope lingered over the household. We did our best to keep the mood light.

I remember one night as Chad and I sat on our mothers bed he pretended to be offended by something I said, got off the bed and ran into my room and stole his set back. He took it into his room with laughter and taunts and hid it from me. We continued back in moms room and had her mediate our problem. Although short of breath, she cracked up at us at the same time she told us to shut up.

It is minutes like those that I’ll never have again.

I got the set back thanksgiving night. My mom had barely made it to dinner. She had told us to go along and she’d be there shortly. She came right before dinner. As she walked up the hill, completely out of breath, my uncle went to help is sister in. He knew. He wasn’t supposed to know but her knew. I sat with my mom on the couch that night while I first designed the new “hope’ logo. We sat together all night barely saying much just saying enough.

Every bone in my body believes she knew she was at her very last thanksgiving.
I knew this for the first time on Thanksgiving.

That night, I put in disk one of friends.

I can tell you which episode I watched when I found out it was cancer, when I found out it was stage four, when we had to bring her to the hospital, the day they told us she was dying. After that I stopped for awhile, but then I can tell you the episodes that were one while I was making my video, while I was ordering hope sweatshirts and I can tell you almost all the episodes I cried to.

The show will forever be a timeline guiding me through the worst time in my life. So much has changed since I first inserted the disk. EVERYTHING has changed. I text Chad when I finished - and he said that exact thing. Who would have thought life (death) would bring us here? Who knew we could be here? Here in this land of emptiness, confusion and anger. We never knew we could hurt like this. This place we’re in at the end of this series is so on the opposite and of where I was when I started it. But although I started it alone I ended it with many.
I can tell you all the times Chad and I text about chandler. I can tell you that during its time on my tv it was watched by me, Chad, Derek, Kyle, Dustin, Frankie, Dom, Mook, Brittany, Gina, Michelle, Jessica, Courtney and Ana Rose while she napped.


All I can say is thank you to “FRIENDS” who truly made me laugh.

Below is Chad’s favorite scene. “Pivot, Pivot, Pivot”

ten

Today I cried. I knew this song was next in line and I pushed played and I cried. When I listen to this song it reminds me of the month of December. I cannot say it was the worst month of my life: that has yet to be determined, I can, however, say it was the hardest. To see my mom in so much despair and to see her suffering so much was seeing a strength fall…mine not hers.

She never lost strength, she was a hero. The bravest person I’ve ever seen. Her strength was something to be rivaled, it was her body that failed her.

One of my best friends recently said to me “Whenever I pictured your mom, I pictured Supermom, cape and all” Well during the last weeks of her life, she was a super hero. I saw many many people cry, but only once did I see my mom cry. I heard plenty of complaints but all I heard from her was “I hate this” never anything more.

My family and I have reflected so many times on how quickly it all happened, and we’ve concluded that if January 5th is when she would be taken from us – if that was the end no matter what than it was best left to the last few months. So much happened in the last summer that she would have missed if she decided on treatment. My graduation, DisneyWorld, weddings, babies and her last survivor.

How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

I miss the dance so very much. It was this weekend I ventured back into the social world that is a family birthday party. In those hours it wasn’t sitting next to her that I missed but it was the loud laugh I didn’t hear from the next room, and it was the conversation afterward about how it was that I missed. I missed complaining about losing in catch phrase. I just miss her so much. I can barely even stand it. Some times I can’t. The anxiety becomes physically painful. When I look around the room and see everyone that is supposed to be there except the one I want there most, can be immobilizing, I indeed found myself sitting down as much as I possibly could because my legs felt so utterly weak.

I just miss my mom. And I miss our dance.

eleven

In all honesty, the songs I reveal here are actually the top 14 songs on my itunes. I left a very specific number open to my most WATCHED VIDEO. For some, this video has brought solace. Some watch it often, many have yet to be able to watch it more than once. I, watch it every single morning. See, I used to start my mornings by being awoken by a door knock and followed by screaming children. I know wake up to nothing, and so I watch the video I made for my mom.

If there is any song that is an absolute anthem for my mother it is indeed “The Perfect Fan.” And so I find it more than appropriate that I place it at number eleven. The number Both of my brothers and I wore on every jersey for our entire athletic career…while our fan watched on.




At every soccer, baseball, softball, basketball and football game. The biggest supporter of slideshows, videos and all creations. Right hand at survivor and listening year to the soccer coach. She was the epitome of a fan.

If it only applied to sports it would still be appropriate, but this song is amazing in every piece of its existence.
Beyond the title of this song, the lyrics bypass the meaning of fan.

You showed me
When I was young just how to grow
You showed me
Everything that I should know
You showed me
Just how to walk without your hands
'Cause mom you always were
The perfect fan

Because it was her that taught a little girl how to love everyone around her. Because it was her who taught over 200 children life lessons staring at birth. Because it was her who helped us scoot, crawl and eventually walk.She taught so many so many things that I am truly honored to be her daughter. And i am truly honored to see just how she affected everyone around her and how her lessons live on.

As I said at her services
“ it comforts me so profusely that the lessons she shared with all of us do not stop here. The kids touched by her love, are all so amazingly willing to pass it on. They pay it forward if you will. Daycare kids of years past have relationships with new younger children and each and each and every one of them genuinely love each other and have formed life long relationships.”

Other than that, I can not say more than what I tried to reveal in the video.

twelve

It is know by most that know me that sleep does not come easily. The dwindling time between awake and asleep might as well be my own personal hell. The time spent there is full of falsities and realities all to harshly apparent. Many times I hear my name being called from the other room to come watch a show. Other times I hear footsteps walking into my room.

In other nights my hell consist of the truth. Laying in bed, my eyes glued to television, it is completely possible that I can watch an entire half hour show without ever hearing a sound. The mind wanders so far into the future…where my mom will never be.

Dreams scare me. The bad ones are bad. The good ones are good...until their over, than their just a reminder of what is gone.

Two nights ago I had a dream that I sat on her bed, along side her able to talk to her just like I always had. It was present time, and she had been gone all this time but for some reason that hadn’t been real. But, she was still sick and her time was coming. And I told her that when I thought she’d been gone I had talked to her everyday but I had wished I had one more time to have her speak back…she then said so simply “Well, what would you say?” It is then I woke up.

I had previously not thought that I had anything left to say, after she came to me in that dream, I suddenly feel I have everything left to say… And, that is why I am scared of dreams. They surface feelings of this cruel reality I had not yet discovered.

So it is known by most that know me that sleep does not come easily, what they do not know is that when your dreaming with a broken heart…the waking up is the hardest part.

The waking up is the hardest part, you roll out of bed and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe.. and for a moment you can hardly breathe. Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? NO SHE’S NOT…Cause she’s gone gone gone gone gone. She takes you in..and all at once you have to say goodbye. Wondering, could you stay my love? Will you wake up by my side. No she can’t. Cause she's gone

THANK YOU to my slumber party savior Derek Frank Parella Crenshaw
And to Gina, Brittany, Mook, Frankie, Shannon and Nae…who slept with me when sleeping alone wasn’t an option.

thirteen

I miss my mom. Daily. Every minute…and that is how often I think about her..and missing her. I am constantly reminded she is gone. The outside world is new to me. People are different, relationships are different…work is different. I have become scared of human beings. With their sad eyes, extra long hugs and slight head tilts the moment they see me… I know there is no escaping the fact that they know…I am in ruins.

It’s a sobering realization. I am vulnerable and apparently see through. Most admit they have no idea how I feel or how I could deal, some idiots want to talk for hours and be the one I cry too. I have learned that everyone has good intentions in mind. Many times I have to repeat that to myself in my head while one rambles on.

What so many don’t EVER seem to understand is that when they bring up my mother I am already at that moment thinking of her and may times one “I’m sorry” can feel lie it’s happened all over again.


On the darkest days it is When I’m at the end of the road it is Greenday that explains it best.

The fight is daily. The battle to hold in tears, to face the world, to get out of bed. Most day the battle is won leaving the war still to be fought. But some days I just have to give into the fight.

When a group full of people is suddenly suffocating, but loneliness is worse.
When all I want is to be home but the house cuts like a knife.
When escaping to another state seems the only escape but being away brings a whole new set of emotions, thoughts and fears
When your bed seems to offer solace but hiding under the covers just isn’t enough
When you're at the end of the road and you lost all sense of control
and your thoughts have taken their toll. When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass and the hangover doesn't pass
….that is when its time to throw your arms into the sky and give up your fight

When it’s time to live and let die – and you can’t get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You’re in ruins

fourteen

My weakest moments come when I think of the rest of my life. Days pass, facts set in, pain is less raw but the yearning becomes greater. To think that I will miss her this much forever is depressing, terrifying but yet fulfilling.

This song is this low on the countdown for no other reason than it is brutally difficult to listen too. The words are literal and spot on. It offers feeling of the present and plans for the future...both of which are hard to comprehend.

As I sit and think of days gone by, I mostly dwell in disbelief. It may have been over a month ago but if I were to awake tomorrow morning and be told it happened yesterday I’d agree.

The first verse of this song hurts the most

Suddenly, it happened so fast,
I couldn’t believe the news that I received
My heart stopped as I hit the floor
I fell to my knees cryin’, "Lord, help me"

No matter what times brings
Or the changes we go through
In life there’s some things
We just can’t prepare for

The truth is I never thought it would happen. As my mother sat me down to tell me there was a mass on her lung I sat in disbelief but instantly optimistic.
There’s a mass…It’ll be cyst
It’s a tumor… It’ll be benign
It’s malignant – cancer. It’ll be just one a low stage,
it’s stage four… We’ll have months, we’ll fight….

I recall a table surrounded by family members but I only saw Chad. As I heard the words from a doctor explaining how a life was ending, I could only see him. I cried but didn’t believe. I saw him cry, but I didn’t believe. When I was begging my mother to let go – I still thought she’d wake up grab a superhero cape and be here forever. I was certainly not prepared.

When the moment came - I was in disbelief. My heart stopped as I hit the floor...crying and then I ran away and when asked what I needed all I could say was “my mom”

With all the certainty in the world that she was leaving me... I never believed it till it happened. The astonishing fact is that that was not my worst moment. In that moment I had only lived without her for seconds. Now it has been weeks. One day it will be years. But I promise, I promise to love her for the rest of my life. Not a day will go by that I won’t wish she were here. Nothing will be as good as it was supposed to be. No party, no wedding nothing. She will always be missing.

I miss my mom everyday. I miss talking to her first thing in the morning and I miss her being the one I tell goodnight. I miss my roommate, my fellow tv lover, my cook, my friend, my mom. I obviously always will.

fifteen

There is one specific lyric in this song that is a bit to close to heart. It states
“Breathing in an out is a blessing can’t you see?”
How perfectly a lyric about the simple act of breathing relates to everything that is my new world. As my mother struggled to breathe for weeks, t was hard not to see the everyday normalcy as a true blessing. Breathing, living, loving…it is all quite the blessing.

In the past months it would be oh so easy to be the girl who cries and complains but I do try my hardest to have not become that person. It has never for a moment escaped me that every person I know is hurting for the same reason. Yet it is in no way the same reason. I lost my mother. I did not lose a daughter, sister, friend or caregiver. But, I am surrounded by all these heartbroken people. One of which sit around feeling sorry for themselves. Each and everyone of them is saddened for themselves yet but also for their families and friends.

So I assume this is why it is so very hard for me to try and understand the negativity so many have towards their own lives. There is nothing quite as drowning as reading posts on Facebook. The endless amounts of complaints about boyfriends, school, work, money and of all things…PARENTS, pull me under. It makes me angry most mornings. How dare them all to take for granted how simply good their lives are. How much I yearn for the days my biggest problem is getting a paper done on time.

I suppose that all this may be an unrelenting reminder that life does go on. And although my life is difficult, I am not the only one who has lost a mother and I am certainly better off than many around the world.

NO I am not great. But I’m ok…today at least. I am incomplete, and I always will be, so all I can do at this point is learn to live with my new reality and learn to embrace it. And how to do this? Be happy for those who are still here…as for me I thank my lucky stars that I’m alive and well.

So as this song states with its simple melody and heartfelt words…

"It’ so damn easy to say that life's so hard. Everybody's got their share of battle scars.
As for me I'd like to thank my lucky stars that I'm alive and well

It'd be easy to add up all the pain. And all the dreams you've sat and watch go up in flames. Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain. But not me... I'm alive"

15 songs/ 2010

2010 has started far different than any other year in my life. Since the fifth of January my world has been torn apart.
During my mother's sickness i said to someone "food has no taste, sleep has no meaning and even music has no sound"
Since her passing, i have found most of that is still true. Hunger is something that comes daily from forgetting to eat, other days all i can do is eat. Sleep, when it comes is both cherished and scary, but it truly waking up that is the chore.

As for music - music has sound. In fact it is more beautiful than ever. Whether it provides a soundtrack to cry to (or a loud enough cover) or a safe haven from the world..songs have become deeper and more meaningful than ever.

So...since the beginning of 2010, my life has been changed. Everyone asks how i am... and truthfully I answer "I don't know" But what I do know is that i have had a need to write. But words escape me, where to start, where to end, what to say....all seems so small. So as i traveled through my itunes today i glanced at my recently played songs. They were undeniably the soundtrack of the past two months.

So I need to write, I dont know where to start, and these songs say so much - i present to you my top 15 songs since 2010 has begun, what they are, and what they mean to me.

ONE SONG A DAY
enjoy