four

The week started last Sunday morning, but I tear I couldn’t find.
You showed me how I’m supposed to live.
I was lost till this Sunday morning, while writing out your mothers day card I found a tear

I'm gunna miss that smile
I'm gunna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I'd do it all again

Here I sit, the day after mothers day, wondering ‘how it can all be real?’
I did almost everything I can think of to make the day be “just another day”
I tried to avoid and ignore and when that didn’t work,
I tried to praise in remembrance. That didn’t work either.
Trips to Vegas, parties at Pixar, chalking the hill, continuing to go to mother’s day events…none got rid of the increasingly huge body ache I had felt the week prior to Mother’s day.

And today I’m crying for me.
As I tried to fall asleep after a night of partying in sin city – I cried for me
As I walked into my home the night after the most exciting party of my life without my biggest fan to indulge with – I cried for me
And when my friends, cousins and I were on top of that hill - I cried for me.

They all joked about what each of their mothers will say and think and how excited they were. And so I made jokes about my pain. But it wasn’t funny. The all wrote about how fun it was but to me it was excruciating. As I got up early on Mother’s day to see it, I drove down the hill and cried when I saw it. It’s beautiful. I had seen so many things on the hill over the years, some of which I was responsible for, but this was was special. To the others it was a cool gift to show their moms.

To me it was a message to be seen from heaven.

So mom play it sweet in heaven
Cause thats right where you want to be
I'm not cryin' cause I feel so sorry for you
Im cryin' for me

And so day after day I cry for my family. I cry for my mom. I often cry for my brothers but this week I cry for me. It’s selfish? Maybe? I care? No.

I got up and dialed your number
and Your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
Ive heard a thousand times
It just said, sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and God bless
I know that you think I am crazy
But I just had to hear your voice again


I have no mother any longer. Yes, she will always be with me. Yes, she wouldn’t want me to be sad – but I am. She was the epitomy of a mother and the void she left is great and painful. I can’t give her the perfect card, I can’t order flowers, I can’t clean the house, I can’t even walk in her room and see her.

So on this day after mothers day, Imagine not being able to just TALK to your mom. Just a simple hello. Not even a glance not ANYTHING. EVER. Not another Mother’s day, not another day.


I'm gunna miss that smile
I'm gunna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I'd do it all again

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

sometimes, songs that don't even have meaning of death speak more than the ones that do..

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
Thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
If you didn't notice you mean everything
I don't know how to live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
I can't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me

So what do you do
When somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops being here with you
And it seems no ones got a clue
Of the pain that its putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
And sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way?"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away
Well I guess I'm trying to be
Nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the disguise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry
don't really want to feel the pain
i'm hoping for sun
but it looks like rain
so tell me - how do i live without you
How do I,
Get through the night without you?
now i have had to live without you,
What kind of life will that be?
Oh, I
I need to be in your arms, need you to hold,
You're my world, my heart, my soul,
why did you ever leave,
you took with you so much good in my life,

And tell me now
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?

Without you,
There's no sun in my sky,
There's not your love in my life,
sometimes it seems theres no world left for me.
And I don't know what I should do,

I'm lost since I lost you,

I cam e to write again today. But the song is just too hard and this week is a little too real. So much with the family and too little of my moms help to get us all through it. I'd like to acknowledge my family for their bravery and strength this week.

I know everyone always says they looked up to my mother, but this week I admire her sister for her unbelievable courage.

On that note... I'm off to Vegas