eight

This amazing song has been sung by many, heard by millions but for eight people, it will never be the same.

I don’t consider myself a religious person. Spiritual, yes...a believer ..yes. I attended ccd and was baptized, had my first communion and confession but when it became my own choice, it was not church that guided my faith.

I didn’t know what I believed until I believed it. When I first had to face the fact my mom would no longer be with me I found myself thinking of heaven. I knew she’d see me do things I’d want her to see. I knew she’d see him graduate, she’d see my wedding and she’d see our babies. I knew she’d be welcomed by those she’s missed so much, it is then I knew I believed in heaven.

As I sat in the waiting room of the ICU it was cold and the floor was hard. Taco bell had gotten old and pepsi had ran its course. My family was with me. We all smiled and joked only to keep ourselves sane. But suddenly I couldn’t get a hum out of my mind. I began to hum aloud the tune of Amazing Grace.

I don’t know if it is because its what I thought I should be listening to or it was because it was appropriate, but the song lifted me. I began to find in on my phone I played it by Elvis, by Beyonce, by Whitney, Mariah and other but it was Leanne Rimes that brought me comfort. My mom loved her version.. so did I.

I love the Leanne version, but I’ve heard it better. It is Leanne Rimes I see but it is Sandy I will always here.

As I went back to see my mom, I turned the corner like I always did, fighting tears. I entered the room. As I lay beside her I put Leanne Rimes on to sing. And I cried. I cried on my mom. I listened to the song and I wished for the heaven I now knew I believed in, I wished it for my mom. She didn’t get it that day.

But she got it. And Amazing Grace was there when she did.


I listen to it now and it calms me. Sometimes it brings me back but most times it brings me to her. I wonder how she’s doing. If she gets to watch HGTV. How good is the soccer? If there’s kids up there who get to eat her grilled cheese. I wonder if she’s here when I talk and I wonder if she knows who stole Dusty’s car. Is that how it works: does she see whatever she wants? Does she get to pick and choose? I hope so. I hope she doesn’t see how hard it is for me to go to Ricky’s corner without her, I hope she didn’t see me walk away from the ice-skaters because not having her to talk to about it was just a little too hard. I hope she doesn’t see how hard her sisters are trying to live without her but some days its just too much. I hope she doesn’t know how bad Chad hurts. But I do hope she see how we talk it out. I hope she sees the friendships that are formed and how her friends still come and see me. How they call and how they care, How the family reminisces about everything and how much we miss her already.

But in her heaven she is. I’m happy for that. I just want to know how she likes it.