gilmore girls

Last week I went to the doctor. Last time I was in that building I was in the emergency room wondering why I couldn’t breathe at night. My mom came with me. I remember asking her if it is normal that I had my mom with me and she said “yeah, no one likes to go to hospital alone”

Now a few months later I returned by myself for a checkup. I left knowing that the lumps in my neck were inflamed lymph nodes still fighting the pneumonia that I was diagnosed with four months prior.

How screwed up is it that? I went that day, to the hospital, with two things. My mom and my sickness. And now my virus is still here and my mom is not. Honestly, how can this be real? How can she NEVER be coming back? How can it be not even six months from that first visit and everything is upside down? On my information it says I live with my mom..how can this not be true? How can she not be the person I call after the appointment? HOW? WHY? How does any of this make any sense at all?

Many times people ask me “How do you do it?” or “ I couldn’t do this” my question to them is what is the alternative, what other choice do I have? PLEASE tell me. Because I’ll do it.. Life isn’t what I want it to be. I want to be able to come home at night and wake her up to tell her I’m home. I want to be able to share my day and my opinions with her. I don't like feeling empty. So please, when someone refers to what it is i'm "doing" please let me know if there is another choice.

So today I write with no strength and no words of wisdom about my family, my little kids or even my mom, today I’m mad. I'm mad that this happened. MAd that it continues to get harder. Never for a second has it gotten any easier. I miss her. And I’m sad, and what I really need is my MOM. I need her to help me thru the death of my MOM.

Because when I’m out on the road, feeling lonely and so cold,
I wish I could call her name and she’d be there.

She’d be the one to cry with and to express my anger too. If this were ANYONE else, it would be her I’d lean on for strength. And so I need her. I need my mom.

Our favorite show to watch together was Gilmore Girls. We once borrowed all the seasons for Auntie Lisa and my mom got so annoyed because I sang the theme song every single time it came on. But it was just so fitting. I would get my hairbrush and sing it to my mom at the top of my lungs. Listening to it now, it really is a special song.


That day, after we left the hospital, we went to Carrows. Just the two of us. And of course we joked about how Gilmore Girls this was of us. For some reason, that day all the daycare kids had called in and said they weren’t coming. Never in all her years had she got an unplanned day off. So we enjoyed the meal together. Just us two. We sat at the table and spoke about how friendly the people were. We both made phone calls to let people know what the diagnosis was and we went about eating our meal. We sat there like Rory and Lorelai always did. We didn’t have our own diner, or a special order we just had a table and a mother and a daughter. Who knows what we talked about, but we talked.

At the end of that meal she told me that she, too, felt queasy and wasn’t breathing right and that she would make an appointment for the following week.