ten

Today I cried. I knew this song was next in line and I pushed played and I cried. When I listen to this song it reminds me of the month of December. I cannot say it was the worst month of my life: that has yet to be determined, I can, however, say it was the hardest. To see my mom in so much despair and to see her suffering so much was seeing a strength fall…mine not hers.

She never lost strength, she was a hero. The bravest person I’ve ever seen. Her strength was something to be rivaled, it was her body that failed her.

One of my best friends recently said to me “Whenever I pictured your mom, I pictured Supermom, cape and all” Well during the last weeks of her life, she was a super hero. I saw many many people cry, but only once did I see my mom cry. I heard plenty of complaints but all I heard from her was “I hate this” never anything more.

My family and I have reflected so many times on how quickly it all happened, and we’ve concluded that if January 5th is when she would be taken from us – if that was the end no matter what than it was best left to the last few months. So much happened in the last summer that she would have missed if she decided on treatment. My graduation, DisneyWorld, weddings, babies and her last survivor.

How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

I miss the dance so very much. It was this weekend I ventured back into the social world that is a family birthday party. In those hours it wasn’t sitting next to her that I missed but it was the loud laugh I didn’t hear from the next room, and it was the conversation afterward about how it was that I missed. I missed complaining about losing in catch phrase. I just miss her so much. I can barely even stand it. Some times I can’t. The anxiety becomes physically painful. When I look around the room and see everyone that is supposed to be there except the one I want there most, can be immobilizing, I indeed found myself sitting down as much as I possibly could because my legs felt so utterly weak.

I just miss my mom. And I miss our dance.